How to REALLY make friends in Japan
Breaking out of the “gaijin bubble”
TL;DR:
I’m an introvert and I don’t speak Japanese well, but I made some good friendships via language exchanges.
The long version:
The “gaijin bubble”
If you’ve lived in Japan you’ve probably heard of the “gaijin bubble”. “Gaijin” (外人) is short for “gaikokujin” (外国人), the Japanese word for “foreigner”. (Although commonly used, this shortened form is considered offensive by some people, a topic which I’m absolutely not going to get into here.)
Anyway, this so-called “gaijin bubble” refers to the phenomenon in which foreigners living in Japan tend to spend the majority of their time with other foreigners, existing almost exclusively in their own ex-pat world. They work with other foreigners, live with other foreigners, play with other foreigners, often frequenting bars run and patronised mostly by foreigners. Interaction with Japanese people is minimal; they exist in Japan, but rarely engage in anything other than surface-level interaction with Japanese society.
It’s an easy situation to find oneself in; I know I certainly did. I came to Japan on a work visa with a foreign company. My coworkers were mostly foreigners, and my first accommodation was provided by a company which specialises in large share houses for foreigners.
Like many foreigners living in Japan, I enjoyed working with my (foreign) coworkers, going sightseeing with my (foreign) friends, and eating together with my (foreign) housemates. However, there came a point when I wanted something more. Visiting the Golden Pavilion and going to HUB (a British-themed pub) with my fellow English language school teachers was fun, but I was missing out on a large part of society by not interacting with people outside my social circle.
Difficulties in making friends in Japan
Let’s be honest, the biggest hurdle when it comes to making friends in a foreign country is the language barrier. To make friends, you need to socialise and speak to people. This is not something that can be easily dismissed.
Admittedly there are people who are extroverted enough to socialise with anyone regardless of their language skills. I used to work with one insanely extroverted American lady who had no issues making friends, despite her Japanese language ability apparently consisting entirely of the one phrase「なんでやねん！」(a colloquial Kansai expression popular with comedians, which loosely translates as something like “Why the hell!?”).
However, the majority of us are not this way inclined. As for myself, I’m introverted, and when I arrived in Japan I had a (certainly not misplaced) lack of confidence in my Japanese language ability. I knew enough Japanese to order in a restaurant, ask for directions, and not a great deal else. As soon as I got settled, I started taking private Japanese language lessons, but as anyone who has studied a foreign language will know, progress is often frustratingly slow.
My experience of language exchanges
Wanting to make friends, but acutely aware of my poor Japanese language ability, I decided to try language exchanges.
I signed up to some language exchange platforms, and selected the settings for “native English speaker” and “learning Japanese”. I exchanged messages with some people, and met up with the ones who lived nearby and seemed like they were up for making friends.
All in all, I had some great experiences on language exchanges. In total, I had about six language exchange partners. Some of them I only met up with once, some of them I met on a regular basis for a while, and some of them became friends. I went on vacation with two of them. One introduced me to her hometown, and I met some of her close friends. We still keep in touch even though I have since moved back to my home country of the UK.
How to find language exchange partners
I used Lang8 and HelloTalk. Lang8 is basically Facebook for people who are learning a foreign language. You post something in the language you are learning, and native speakers correct you. You can also correct other people’s posts. Last time I looked, Lang8 wasn’t accepting any new members because they’re trying to get people on to their app HiNative, which is much the same thing, only app-based.
HelloTalk is like WhatsApp for language learners. The idea is that people who are learning each others’ native languages connect, and then message each other. You message in your partner’s native language, they correct you, and vice-versa. I’m sure there are many other similar apps, but these are the ones I used.
Why language exchanges are a great way to make friends
1) It completely bypasses the issue of your poor Japanese language ability. No one is going to care that you don’t speak Japanese well, because that’s entirely the point. If you don’t understand something, you can ask for clarification and it won’t be awkward. Conversation can go at the pace that you and your partner set.
2) It’s great for introverts. If you’re not the kind of person who likes socialising with a large group of people in a noisy bar, you can suggest meeting in a quiet coffee shop (yes they exist even in Tokyo although they tend to be a bit pricey) or even a park. Most of my language exchanges started in coffee shops, many of them places I wouldn’t have known about if I hadn’t been introduced by a local.
3) There is real potential to form close friendships. The meeting will just be the two of you, so you can take the time to get to know each other well. If the two of you click, you can move past small talk and talk about what really matters to you. What are your interests? Why are you learning each others’ languages? What are your goals? What are your dreams for the future.
This is an important point because many people recommend joining local clubs or getting involved with local events in order to make friends. Whilst I wholeheartedly support getting involved in one’s local community, it does not necessarily lead to deep and lasting friendships, especially in large cities where community spirit is lower.
For example, I took Japanese calligraphy lessons twice a week for about four years. Whilst I had a friendly relationship with the other students, I wouldn’t say that I became “friends” with them. We had fun at calligraphy lessons, and we attended many calligraphy events together, but we didn’t spend any time together outside of a calligraphy context. They were busy, they had families to look after, and they had their own lives.
Other benefits of language exchanges
1) Of course, many people’s main reason for doing a language exchange is to learn another language.
In my opinion, a language exchange is no substitute for formal language lessons with a good teacher. Having said this, a language exchange provides something that lessons or self-study can’t: lots of natural, real-world practice. I attribute my increasing fluency almost entirely to language exchanges.
2) Talking with a native speaker will give you a window on society that you might not get elsewhere if you mostly interact with other foreigners. Native speakers can give you the background on important current events and issues in a way that you might not otherwise have access to. For example, one time I saw the former Emperor giving a speech on NHK News. I couldn’t understand exactly what he was saying, but it seemed that he wanted to abdicate. I sent a message on LINE (Japan’s answer to WhatsApp) to my language exchange partner (a friend by this point) and asked her what was going on. She informed me that my guess was probably correct, but that the Emperor’s language was so indirect that many Japanese people weren’t entirely sure what was happening either. She filled me in on the legality of an Emperor abdicating, and I learned a lot about the general feeling towards the Imperial family.
3) When I was doing language exchanges I lived between Tokyo and Yokohama, two of the largest cities in Japan. Hence it was pretty easy to find potential language exchange partners who lived nearby and could meet in person. If you live out in the sticks it’s obviously going to be more difficult to find people to meet.
An easy way around this is to meet online. Many people use Zoom and while it’s not the same as meeting in person, it has the added benefit that you can both stay in the comfort of your own homes.
There is however, a benefit to doing a language exchange with someone who lives far from you — if you visit their area on vacation, they can be your tour guide!
My Japanese teacher told me about one of her students who took full advantage of this. Whilst living in his home country, he planned to take a trip to Japan. Using language exchange apps he contacted people living in each of the areas he intended to visit on his trip. Hence he was able to spend every day of his vacation with someone who lived in the local area and who could show him the most interesting places. I love this idea and I want to try it on my next trip to Japan.
Some things to be aware of
1) It can take time to find a partner who you click with. I had a few language exchange partners before I found some who I really enjoyed spending time with.
2) Some people on these apps seem to be more interested in finding a romantic partner than a friend. If this is what you’re into, go for it! Otherwise it can be annoying, especially if they are not up front about their intentions. It’s usually pretty easy to spot these people because they don’t make the effort to speak in their target language, and they ask tons of personal questions immediately instead of having a relaxed conversation. I came across a few people like this, but they are in the minority. If you’re not interested, just ignore them and move on.
3) If you’re both serious about improving your language skills, be careful if one of you speaks your target language more fluently than the other. It is very easy to slip into the language that you can both most easily communicate in. You might have to be strict about the amount of time spent talking in each language.
4) Obviously, when you meet people in person, common sense applies. Meet in a public place, don’t go back to anyone’s house, don’t give away your address, don’t sign any documents, etc., etc.
In conclusion
In conclusion, making friends in a foreign country can be difficult, especially for people who lean more towards being introverted and don’t have much experience speaking the local language. When I started doing language exchanges my Japanese level was low (around JLPT N3 level, although my fluency was much lower than my reading and listening ability, due to lack of speaking practice), but I found doing language exchanges to be a relaxing, no-pressure way to get to know people, find out about each others’ cultures, and make a few lasting friendships.
What are your tips for making friends in foreign countries? Have you ever done a language exchange? I’d be interested to hear your opinions in the comments.
